 Battling loneliness and finding relationships in Colorado’s deceiving beauty.
When I decided to move the wondrous landscape of Colorado’s Rocky Mountains on my own, I never considered the toll nature may take on my emotions.
Having lived largely independently since college, I escaped alone from the busy, man-made beauty of Chicago streets for the natural, God-carved exquisiteness of the Continental Divide. Though I found the view out my window thrilling and inspiring, I couldn’t help but feel a powerful loneliness.
“Yeah, it’s good to have a boyfriend or girlfriend out here,” new friends told me. “It can get lonely.”
I started to ponder the mountain life and its effect on relationships, wanting to know more about the mysterious forces behind those fabled rocks. Valentine’s Day seemed as good a time as any to delve into my query.
“I don’t really find any difference,” explains Lillie Lee, a therapist based in Frisco. “Loneliness is triggered in the mountains and in the city in similar ways.”
Well, strike one.
Sheryl Williams, president of Denver’s Ignite Matchmaking, echoed Lee’s sentiments.
“Loneliness is largely self-imposed,” Williams says.
“People move here for a reason. They choose to move here to do [outdoor activities].”
My theory seemed to be showing that loneliness was mainly my problem.
“There’s the Colorado Effect,” Markman says.
“People expect things to happen magically because it’s so beautiful here.” 
According to Williams, single men that she’s worked with tend to hit a pivotal moment in their 40s where self-evaluation takes over. It becomes decision time—do I want to grow old alone? They put the pressure on to find that someone special, Williams says.
For women, Williams explains, this feeling occurs earlier in life, due to their biological clock.
She advises people to first pick an activity or skill they really like or have always wanted to learn in order to meet people, whether it be cooking French food, making pottery or snowboarding. The idea is to have a good time with the added bonus of community and possibly meeting someone special, or a person that knows that someone special.
“Do whatever that thing is [you enjoy] and take a class,” Williams advises. “You may not meet the person, but you might be introduced.
Seventy percent of couples meet through introduction.”
Anyway, I was about to throw out all my psychological analyses when Dr. Howard Markman reaffirmed that the Colorado landscape can factor into relationships. Markman, a former director of the University of Denver’s Center of Marital and Family Studies, works extensively with couple dynamics and marital distress.
Markman says in Colorado, we deal with a little “proximity problem.”
Proximity, or how close you are physically to another person, can play largely into a person’s mood and psyche.
With a lack of physical closeness—Colorado has approximately 42 people per square mile compared to Massachusetts’ 822, according to 2007 numbers—“forming relationships can be more difficult; the probability is greater that people will become lonelier,” Markman says.
As a result, he notes, the invention of social networks and online matchmaking has seen success in the region, helping those who feel isolated reach out to others virtually.
So, I wasn’t crazy or overly naïve in my assessments! John Joseph, a New York native who migrated to Boulder, has seen an interesting mix of people in various states of personal discovery in terms of finding a significant other.
“A lot of people I've known who live in the mountains outside of Boulder prefer to be isolated and have stories of failed relationships many years ago that seem to have galvanized their aversion to love,” says Joseph, a remodeling contractor. But, he adds, “Certainly, rural or mountain areas where there is little opportunity for contact, other than through work or at a local pub, loneliness must be more pervasive.”
The magnificence of the state’s outdoor marvels may create conflict for some making the pilgrimage to the Front Range, attempting to start a new, different or better life.
“There’s the Colorado Effect,” Markman says.
“People expect things to happen magically because it’s so beautiful here.”
When you mix such high expectations with low density—that “proximity problem”—feelings of loneliness are intensified, he says.
In addition, more pressure can be put upon married couples. With a low density, high expectations and that Colorado Effect of believing things to happen magically, these relationships can suffer from possibly too-much togetherness and unhealthy, unrealistic hopes.
“It’s a double-edged sword,” Markman says of proximity.
Joseph agrees.
“The West and its vast psychic and physical space can be very lonely, and very disruptive to relationships,” he says.
“Most people I know who came out to Colorado with a significant other have since broken up with the person they came here with.”
While Williams thinks most people are now immune to the Valentine’s Day marketing onslaught, Markman asserts that this Colorado loneliness can reach a height at the holiday.
“[Valentine’s Day] intensifies this disconnection,” he says.
People just need to “realize it’s just hype from the industries; everyday should be Valentine’s Day” for couples.
This Feb. 14, Markman will facilitate a couples retreat at the Broadmoor Hotel and Resort in Colorado Springs.
More information about this and future workshops can be found at loveyourrelationship.com.
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Lofty Concepts 
